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Twitter (and Black People) for Dummies

Hat tip to @blackmansvw for sending me this article, probably because he knew that it would annoy the heck out of me.

So Gizmodo’s Kyle VanHemert wrote this article titled “Black People Call and Text Way More Than Everyone Else”. Interesting observation. Well, how much more, Kyle?

According to the article, “Like, way more.”

The article has two pretty graphs that are chucklingly color-coded comparing texting and minute uses across different races. Here’s a comparison of African American and White usages.

Race Minutes Used Data Used
African Americans 1300 780 texts
White 647 566 texts
* first ever Social.Butterfly.Experiment table

Well, would you look at that? African Americans are just jumping ahead and dominating the fields of Twitter and cell phones, and we have a Black President. What will they do next to amaze us?!

Kyle ends his analysis with:

“Presumably all of this will be very useful in the burgeoning field of Black Twitter scholarship.”

You have to be kidding me, right? Kyle, this article is a satire, right? OK, just checking.

“Black Twitter scholarship”? So funny. In the article, that quote is a link to what I thought may have been a scholarship program for Black kids that they can access through a Twitter account. But no, it was a link to that stupid Slate article about how Blacks use Twitter. ::headdesk::

Look, I know that all this new data is probably mind-blowing, so here, let me explain.

Black people use their cell phones more often because we don’t have land line phones. Land line phones are traceable by bill collectors, baby mamas and the government (though Obama would never snitch), so we’d rather not bother. Instead, we’d rather get cell phones, which work better with our often transient lifestyles.

In comparison, White people own homes, making them more apt to have land line phones. Plus, they, you know, have iPads, so they have other communication options, like email and Skype.

Also, white people have jobs, so they don’t have time to sit on the phone all day. Black people, on the other hand, have plenty of time to check in with all the homies while watching daytime television and braiding hair.

In terms of texting, I think that it’s important to note that the stats show the number of texts sent and received. It could be said that the stats don’t necessarily prove that Black people text more. The data could be manipulated ::cough:: ::cough:: I mean, interpreted to show that people text and call Black people more than people of other races, which proves without a shadow of a doubt that we’re the shyt, period. I mean, Black people do love to text. Seriously, what faster way to hit your shorty with that LOL smiley face, right? But everyone loves to text African Americans for hookups, or call them up just to have that token Black guy around.

So there you have it. Mystery solved. Black people use Twitter more than people of other races, and we use cell phones more too. Not because of genetics or culture. It’s because Black people are the shyt.

Hope that helps clear some things up. 🙂

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