So I peeped this article on Twitter called “lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us” from the guys over at Very Smart Brothas. Reading the article, I must say, was one of the scariest things I’ve done in awhile (especially since my boyfriend posted it, meaning that he buys into this crap). I mean, it was terrifying. Not that they got us right and us women need to watch out, but more that, in some cases, they were SO off that I almost resigned myself to giving up on guys (again), since they’ll obviously never understand a word we’re saying.
This is actually part one of a two part thing I’m going to do about men and women and words. But I thought that, at this moment, it’s a little more important that I shed some clarity on some of the “misunderstandings” that men come across when trying to translate women.
And yes, I know that it’s sad that you have to translate us. Sorry.
“We need to talk…later” = “So, there’s something that I need to talk to you about. Instead of talking about it now, I figure I’ll drop this little bomb on you now so that, when we do talk, you’ll have built up enough emotions to actually respond to the words that I’m saying.” or “I need to talk to you but I’m busy right now…so we’ll do it later.”
“I miss you” = “I miss you. Now you say it too.” and “I’m horny.”
(if your girlfriend is bi) “Do you think she’s attractive?” = “I think she’s attractive”
“Do you think she’s attractive?” = “I’m curious about the things that you find attractive in her so that I can emulate them for you.”
“Whats your name?”/”Hi” *with a smile*/”Hi” *without a smile*/*A smile*/*Any positive non-verbal interaction from a female stranger* = “I want your babies.” (They actually got this one right)
“I have a really attractive friend who’d be great for you” = “I have a whore that I’d like to offer as an offering to the male gods of lust and penis in the hopes that I will be blessed with a sexy chiseled Adonis who lays pipe like he’s paid to do it.”
“Do you like my new hairdo?” = “Since you haven’t said anything about it yet, I’m assuming you hate it. But, if you say you like it, iIll know you’re lying. Basically, you’re f*cked.” (Yeah, they got this one right too)
“How was your day?” = “Can you please offer something to this conversation so that I can stop having to talk?”
“I have a boyfriend” = “I have a boyfriend” or “Eww gross”
(from a girlfriend) “I’m going out with my girls tonight” = “I’m going out to have guys throw penis at me for a few hours. Expect a great bj and awesome nookie when I get back home.”
“I usually get along with men much better than I get along with women” = “I’m a ho. no, seriously. I’ve held more wangs than a Chinese cemetery.” (Right again!)
“Kim’s boyfriend just got a promotion. He’s doing really well” = Kim spent the whole day rubbing her stupid boyfriend’s promotion in my face. Please comfort me with superior love making and kind words, which I know Kim isn’t getting at home.
“I’m not really that hungry right now. What are you in the mood for?” = “I want you to contribute more to this relationship than just penis and money.”
“I’ve had a really stressful week” = “I want your babies…on my chest (or elsewhere)” (Bingo!)