Thanks @insanityreport for your “Why I’d Be a Bad Movie Boyfriend” article, which inspired this…
There’s been tons of talk recently about the Zombie Apocalypse. People have been coming up with their Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plans, and even my boyfriend and I have watched ZombieLand (well, parts of it) to learn about proper survival tactics.
Then, this morning the lights in my house went out all of a sudden. And I, with perfect movie girlfriend flair, hopped in the shower. In the dark. With the steam. And I realized that I was a potential sitting duck to become a zombie feast. So I spent the rest of my showertime coming up with this list, and listening for gargling noise and the screams of my roommates.
Reason #1 why I’d make the perfect zombie movie girlfriend: I hop in the shower in the dark when the lights randomly go out.
I mean, how many times have we seen chicks get attacked in the shower? Happens all the time. And in the dark? Oh gosh. Perfect opportunity for me to get ingenious and spray shampoo on the zombies and jump out the window, where I could roll off the roof and have to run screaming to a neighbors house, wrapped in a shower curtain. Prime time for boobs and moistness, and no zombie flick is complete without those!
Reason #2 why I’d make the perfect zombie movie girlfriend: I’m great at FPS (first person shooters).
I beat TimeSplitters: Future Perfect (on co-op mode) and then used to go on Deerhaunter killing sprees with the shotgun for fun. I used to play SOCOM. I like Call of Duty. That alone gives me movie street cred that I could at least land two head shots somewhere in the chaos and save my boyfriend, or a cat, or a small child.
Reason #3 why I’d make the perfect zombie movie girlfriend: I live in a big scary house.
My house is terrifying. I still don’t go into the basement without calling someone on my cell phone first, or at least alerting my roommates that I’m going down there. And I still prop the door open. Our attic is uber-creepy, with two random rooms, tons of clutter and a jumprope as a light-pull thingy. Once the Zombie Apocalypse starts, my house could become their headquarters. You could fit at least 100 zombies in there. Tons of opportunities to save me, so that my boyfriend could become more the hero.
Reason #4 why I’d make the perfect zombie movie girlfriend: I don’t run very fast.
This is a given. Most zombie flick girlfriends are either ridiculously athletic, resourceful and aggressive, or they’re slow, emotional and terrified. I would be a latter. I don’t enjoy running. I’m awfully squeamish. I can be a bit emotional. And I’m already terrified of zombies. In a zombie chase scene, I’d be perfect as the girl who falls, or doesn’t run fast and almost gets caught, only to be saved again by my wonderful, heroic boyfriend.
Reason #5 why I’d make the perfect zombie movie girlfriend: I have an iPhone.
I’m so sure that when the Zombie Apocalypse starts, someone will come up with an app for that. Either it will tell us where all the zombie survivors are. Or it will cause a phone to emit a tone that will explode zombie heads, or cause them general discomfort. But that app will not be for Blackberrys, or android phones. Oh no, there will only be one. And that will be the iPhone.
Reason #6 why I’d make the perfect zombie movie girlfriend: I don’t do dumb white people stuff.
OK, so this is kinda a catch-22. I’m definitely black, so normally I’d have a very low survival rate based on race alone. But the zombies would have to go out of their way to get me. I don’t do normal dumb white people scary movie stuff (except hop in the shower when the lights go out). I don’t peek into closets. I don’t think it’s a good idea to split up. I don’t get curious and want to check out that sound. I don’t think it’s cool to turn on the flashlight in the dark warehouse. I won’t go in to save the dog. I don’t think it’s a good idea to hide in the graveyard. And once they’re gone, they’re gone. I’m not going to try to save grandma, or little Bobby, or any other person I kinda like who became a zombie. I’m K-I-M (keeping it moving) to the zombie-free zone.
Reason #7 why I’d make the perfect zombie movie girlfriend: I already have a survival plan.
I’m terrified of zombies. Actually, I’m pretty paranoid about a lot of stuff. Even used to walk about with a golf club when I lived in a rough area of town. So I have a survival plan that involved hairspray flame-throwers, baseball bats and running to higher ground. It’s good to have a girlfriend that prepared.
I’m sure that I have at least a 85% survival rate in the zombie apocalypse. I’ve seriously had a zombie survival plan since 2006. You just never know when you’ll need it.