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Theories on the end of America…

Sorry it took so long to get this out. I was waiting for a “Sike” memo…

So I read this interesting article by Josh Levin over at Slate called “How is America Going to End?”. This article basically, as the title implies, outlines four theories for how America as we know it is going to come to an end in the future. Here are the four theories:

  1. Collapse
  2. Friendly Breakup
  3. Global Governance
  4. Global Conquest

Reading over these, I mean…I dunno.

Collapse, in the theorists’ minds as I understand it, would involve some large government fuck up, that would then cause people to get pissed off and look at the government as the enemy. I’m not sure that would ever happen. I mean, the government is the enemy now. We all know it. I don’t care if there’s a black man in the Oval Office. I still just don’t trust it. However, no one is dumb enough to overthrow that which protects us. I really just think that Americans are too lazy for something like this. If we overthrew the government, who would be blame for our screw up existences?

Friendly Breakup? What the hell is that? Trust me, there is NO such thing as a “friendly” breakup. No matter how much you want to be friends after everything dissolves, it’s just not happening.  Trust me. Just a woman’s intuition.

The Global Governance theory simply states that the US needs to stop being so cocky and just kinda merge into a worldwide system of order, or, in the next 100 years or so, there will be chaos. The writer made sure to explain that it wouldn’t be something so severe as a “souped up United Nations”, but I get his point. It would be nice to stop not wanting to share our toys with the other kids while still telling them how they should play with theirs. A worldwide system of do’s and don’ts that everyone agreed on might actually bring about the age of Aquarius, and I’ve been waiting years for that.

Global Conquest. Basically pretty self explanatory, eh? The guy with the biggest, best guns steps up and takes all the power. Not a far-fetched idea. Scary, but pretty likely.

Either way, I’m pretty sure that we as a nation will have totally destroyed ourselves before all of this happens. We are teetering on the edge of destruction. I have seen the weapon that will bring us all down in the long run.

Yes, gaze upon it in fear. There is a freaking sandwich from KFC that’s just two pieces of chicken with cheese, sauce and bacon in between. Yes, as in the chicken is the bun. As in, “I can’t even be bothered bread anymore. Just give me the meat with some more meat and cheese in there and I’ll figure it out later.” Like, what the absolute hell is wrong with people?!

Let me start by saying that  I am already biased against KFC. I’m still not 100% sure that I should be eating it. I dunno. It just tastes immoral…

So I’m mad at KFC for insulting my intelligence by even prototyping this abomination. I wonder what was going through the mind of the dude who came up with this. I mean, sure, we’ve all though about it…when we were blitzed out of our mind with the crazy munchies last Saturday…ummm…yeah…wait…nevermind….

But seriously, people, take a look at what we are doing to ourselves! We’re putting antioxidants in chocolate cereal bars and sodas, and eating meat and cheese sandwiched between more fried meat. This is some “ThisIsWhyYou’reFat” type foolishness.

What happened to America that we became this lazy and wanted everything “right now”? We can’t pick up a piece of fruit or eat a salad, so we throw vitamins into chocolate bars. We can’t wait for girls to turn 18 so that we can legally lust after them, so we pump them full of hormones and sit them in front of the TV, where they grow big boobs and learn how to do the “Single Ladies” dance and then dress them stripper clothes. We can’t wait to chew through a fucking piece of bread to get to the meat in a sandwich, so we turn the bread into meat.

Why does this make sense?

But back to my original idea. We are totally going to destroy ourselves before any of this other theorized maddness happens. And even if we are still alive when some other country comes to destroy us, or when the government totally screws us over, or when whatever happens, we’ll be too lazy to really do anything about it. We’ll be like those aliens from District 9, so feral and confused and incapable of  comprehending the idea that survival doesn’t have to produce immediate results. (Speaking of District 9 – great movie. Blog post coming soon. Sorry, Natalie. I’ll get around to it!)

So to the conclusion. Really, there is none. There’s nothing that I can do to stop the inevitable. In the long run, this is what’s basically going to happen to all of us:



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August 2009
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