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GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra…I must have been implanted with nanobots, because I feel absolutely nothing…

I walked out of the theater and had to take a shower. I felt so…unclean after watching it…

I honestly walked into GI Joe with a positive outlook. My friend was really concerned that his childhood couldn’t take anymore rapings, so we were determined to make GI Joe be a good movie. Apparently, the people who made the film weren’t as concerned.

Actually, I can’t really even call it a film. It was more like…a really cool XBox 360 game with a two hour story animation. The graphics folks behind “GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra” did a great job of keeping us aware that we were in fact watching a movie, and that none of this could really happen in real life. Now, as we all know, I’m a stickler for CGI rendering. I know that it takes forever. But a little smoothing and a little rendering can go a long way into creating a world for the audience to get wrapped up in. There were parts of this movie that looked like they belonged in a XBox 360 game. “Call of Duty: World At War” had better graphics that “GI Joe: Rise of Cobra”. That’s pretty sad, if you ask me. I really just couldn’t be into it because of all of the joltingly awkward CGI bloopers. It really seemed like the people behind the movie were SO not even convinced their own selves that they really could care less.

The casting wasn’t too bad. I mean, Channing Tatum keeps getting roles because he looks like the typical white boy in every movie. Ok. Marlon Wayans…ummm…well, yeah, good to see he’s still trying. I just felt like he was type-cast to play the clowish black dude, which can be hard, even for a Wayans brother, especially when the script sounds like it was written by 40yr old white guys who are trying TOO hard to insult my intelligence and take my money. The rest of the cast was pretty forgettable. Oh and here’s a tidbit for you. Brennan Frasier’s in there for a bit. Want to know how to know if you’re career is over? You were once one of the most lovable, hunky actors of the 90s and got to be that dude in the Mummy three times and now you don’t even get honorable mention in the preview for a top summer blockbuster. Dang dude, you fell off. Dennis Quaid didn’t do too bad either. Didn’t do that great either. Really, he didn’t do much of anything…

And the “Pointless Black Man” award goes to the dude who played HeavyDuty, the angry British guy who was cursed to have to say “Yo Joe!”, and kill me a little on the inside. Congrats guy! Thanks for playing.

I was also a bit perplexed at all the plot holes in the movie. There were just certain things that made absolutely no sense.  WARNING: PLOT GIVE-AWAYERS AHEAD.

Like, why would NATO ever give funding to a cooperation that was creating such absolutely desrtuctive machinery? I think that NATO has a little more sense than that.

And why did McCullen/Destro go through all that trouble to steal his own warheads again? That whole “It has to be NATO’s fault” plan really just didn’t make any damn sense at all. How would it be NATO’s fault if some random chick stole the warheads from the US Army? So confused.

And why were metal-eating nanobots a good idea in the first place? Cobra Commander dude is all like “Oh, it’ll destroy millons of people.” Not really. Flesh-eating nanobots…now that’s a good idea if you want to kill millions of people. Metal-eating nanobots will probably kill a few thousand folk. But once areas are evacuyated, all you’re really doing is causing property damage. Not the best plan for your big screen debut, eh?

And SnakeEyes…so, yeah, I love how they had to PG-13 it up and say that he took a vow of silence because his master died when really, his throat got messed up in an accident and he was rendered a mute. Either way, why does one need to have lips on his faceplate if he does not speak. Makes no sense to me either. But he was still the most compelling character and had the best fight sequences (maybe because he was the only character who was not affected by the crapalicious script).

Back to Marlon Wayans…so apparently, homeboy can fly a plane going Mach 5 and covered in metal-eating nanobots into outerspace and then eject himself and survive. Really? F-ing really RipCord? Yeah…uh huh…sure dude…

And what was the deal with the Rex/the Doctor/Cobra Commander? Like, really? One second, he’s the lovable lil’ brother. Then he walks into the lab of Dr. Mindbender and instantly gets off on the idea of flesh eating technology? That’s a lil’ weird. Then he all of a sudden goes from quirky doctor to Cobra Commander? Plot twists out the wazoo. Calm it don’t a little please.

And where was my lesson? They threw the whole “Knowing is half the battle” thing in there kinda awkwardly, but where was my lesson about peer pressure, or the environment, or bullying, or something like that? All I learned was that that movie sucked. Well, I guess that knowing is half the battle. I’ll never make the mistake of going to see the sequel. No sir. Not me, Mr. GI Joe sir.

Speaking of that, who played GI Joe. Like, maybe I’m wrong, but I thought that Joe was a real person on the show. But now there is no Joe and Joe is a group of folk. So confused. And where was Sgt. Slaughter?! If he’s still active enough to occasionally wrestle for WWE, it woulda been aawesome for him to make an appearance in the movie somewhere.

And what was up with all those flashbacks and vignettes circa Family Guy. Like, really…how lame.

And where was the theme song??????

I read somewhere that GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra was supposed to be an XMen movie + Transformers + Mission: Impossible. Yeah, I see that. Steal the ending from XMen one, add the disregard of a whole entertainment brand via Transformers and add Mission: Impossible-brand technology and ::poof:: you’ve got yourself a summer blockbuster sure to excite the kiddies and insult the intelligence of anyone with a shred of common sense and respect for Hasbro.

I can see now why they were concerned about letting people preview the movie beforehand. It’s as if they already knew that it sucked, but they wanted to pull folk in before they all started going to their friends and telling them not to bother. Somewhere Stephen Sommers is laughing and swimming in a pile of money, while 25-35 year olds are hovering in corners in the fetal position crying and rocking back and forth muttering “Please don’t rape my childhood. Please don’t molest my memories” over and over again.



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August 2009
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