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Dear movie industry, please stop raping my childhood for profit. That is all.

First off, let me apologize for using the word “rape”. I hope that doesn’t offend anyone. Would “molest” be a better term?

So I just read on NPR that Dreamworks is in talks to make a movie about Viewmasters. Yes, Viewmasters, those cute lil’ red toys that you put a film disc in that you could click through. I have also read recently that there are potential live action Smurf and Stretch Armstrong movies in the works.

Really, this foolishness has to stop.

I mean, I trusted the movie industry with my love of the Xmen. They made one great movie, one ok movie…and then they betrayed me…twice.

I watched as they turned Spiderman into a sappy love story with lackluster villians and characters with mental issues that basically overwhelmed their super powers and personalities.

I was tricked into thinking that they would do right by Transformers, since, really, it’s such an easy thing to do with a lot of money and a Michael Bay…and no, again I was given on great movie and then the betrayal.

I was stabbed in the heart with a rusty dagger twisted twice as I watched the TMNT…no, forget that…the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…turned into 3D shells of their former selves. Really, “what in the shell?”??!?!? What is that? Foolishness.

Even the Simpons movie, one of my early childhood faves (until I was banned from watching it for asking my mom what the hell in refernce to a math problem), paled in comparison to the hilarity and wity-ness of the show.

Speed Racer and Dragonball – I didn’t even bother watching them for fear that I would be rendered speechless in a puddle of my own tears as I watched two great anime series processed through a bubblegum factory and spit out for a vapid G to PG rated audience.

Oh and how can I forget Street Fighter: Legend of Chung Li? What the hell was that crap all about? Just stomp all over my love and affection of one of the greatest fighting games ever, eh?

I’m pretty sure that the GI Joe movie, set to come out soon, is going to suck as well.

All I’m saying is this. The 80s and the early 90s rocked. They rocked hard. We wore bright colors and slouch socks, watching Gummi Bears and eating our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cereal, playing with Pong and those noisemaker thingys with the two balls on each end. Please, give tribute to the awesome shows that we out then, but really, in the words of that dude from Tropic Thunder, don’t go full retard. Never go full retard with a remake movie. I mean, show some respect.

And if you ever make a Thundercats remake, you had best not to fuck it up.



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July 2009
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